***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
We named our party play list daddy issues
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
