I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
