My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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