Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
