We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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