And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
