just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Randomize
