i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
