I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
