My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
