the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
