wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
