Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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