Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
