is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
