once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
