U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm like, not good at living.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
