Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
