you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
