4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he thought i was a dude.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
