god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
