Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
