They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
