I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
