Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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