Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
