After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
