we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
