Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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