my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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