I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
