ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
