Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
