he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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