Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
