I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
