his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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