Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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