your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
