I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
