Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
