Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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