i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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