I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
