Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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