Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
