I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
