Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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