So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
