I think I won the penis lottery.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
