the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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